User blog:Pinkguy the b0ss/Fuck this Shit - The Emoji Movie
Do you ever think that God stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he has created? Well, it seems much more likely after what I've seen. So, you know about the Emoji Movie, right? The one movie we were all against and the one I made a rant on in late July? Well, today on 123movies, I found it and out of curiosity, watched it. I only have one thing to say about it. IT FUCKING SUCKED. Yeah, quite a surprise, I know. The movie about emojis, fucking EMOJIS, was an abominable, retarded MESS. This is not a review. This is a RANT, because this evil, manipulative piece of elephant shit deserves it. (by the way there was an elephant in it that almost had a cloud shoved up its ass, so...) "Plot" The cringe doesn't even take two minutes to begin. The movie starts with the Columbia Pictures logo. You know, the one with the statue of the lady that's similar to the Statue of Liberty in New York. Well, a phone appears, takes a picture, and overlays an emoji onto it. No, I am not kidding. Let that set the tone for this "movie." You know what, that's not an accurate label for this piece of shit, I'm going to call it an "advertisement" from now on. You'll see why later. It begins with the voice of the main character describing how emojis are the "most important form of communication ever invented." No joke. This movie actually thinks that. After that, we see an absolutely INSULTING portrayal of teenagers, showing them as zombies who need their phones to survive, and using text messages for communication, and of course, emojis and no words. Yeah, because every teenager is like that, right? NO. The scene is now at school. The main human character, Alex, is interested in a girl. Of course, he doesn't go up and talk to the girl like a normal person, he talks to her using EMOJIS AND NOTHING ELSE. Again, what the fuck. Once in the classroom, the interior of the phone is seen, in a city where all the cancer cel- I mean, er, emojis live. It is explained how each emoji has to stay one way for their whole life - the crying one always has to be crying, the smiling always smiling, and you get the point. The movie then has the BALLS to rip off the Lego Movie, with the main character named Gene. He is supposed to be a "meh," which hearing any character speak that word makes me want to bang my ears with a frying pan so I don't have to hear it again. Anyways, Gene is a misfit who can't fit in with the rest, similarly to.. well, no, DIRECTLY RIPPED OFF OF Emmett from the Lego Movie. It's Gene's first day on the job, and he ends up meeting Smiler, the smiling emoji who was supposedly the first one. She introduces the retarded, contrived emoji scanner machine thing which scans the face of the selected emoji and it is sent up. Gene goes up into the grid which all the emojis are and begins to wait. After that, the most annoying, retarded character I have EVER seen in an animated movie is introduced - High Five, voice by JAMES CORDEN. Yeah. For real. Tells you a lot already. He wants into the "favorites" section, which is basically a V.I.P. section. He is so retarded that he actually sneaks in, back out, and back in again. Seriously. Gene is then selected back at the machine. He fucks it up, causing - oh no - Alex to send the fucking wrong emoji. It actually UPSETS Alex. Gene is then taken to talk to Smiler, who, which I forgot to mention, is a DOUBLE ripoff - of Inside Out's Joy (the constantly happy aspect and wants everyone else to be happy), and the Lego Movie's Lord Business (the dictatorship aspect and keeping everyone the way that they are). During their talk, Smiler vows to delete Gene, because he has somehow "ruined everything." He runs away, which I honestly wish he died there so I wouldn't have had to watch this shit. He runs away with High Five, to the space in between apps. This is why I am going to forever call this "The Emoji Advertisement." There is a fucking ASTRONOMICAL amount of product placement. They begin with saying they have to get to DROPBOX. Seriously, I'm not joking. After this, they go into a "piracy" app where there are viruses, trojan horses, spam mail, and, get this, INTERNET TROLLS. YES, BECAUSE INTERNET TROLLS ARE MALWARE, NOT HUMAN BEINGS, RIGHT? This advertisement is actually THAT stupid. In this app, they are looking for a hacker to reprogram Gene into a proper emoji. It happens to be a character known as Wildstyle. No wait, I mean... Jailbreak. Sorry, I get those two confused, because she is a RIPOFF OF WILDSTYLE FROM THE LEGO MOVIE. TELLS YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ADVERTISEMENT ALREADY, HUH?! Then ANOTHER Lego Movie ripoff - the antivirus bots, which are a ripoff of the Micromanagers - show up and attack. The three flee, and end up in a place made of candy that happens to be a ripoff of Sugar Rush from Wreck it Ralph, but it's actually.... CANDY CRUSH. IT'S MOTHERFUCKING CANDY CRUSH. Gene falls into it, and is put in danger of dying. I wish he did die. They work on getting him out in a scene which they suddenly act like best friends, which PISSES ME OFF when used in movies because it conveniently skips the part of character development and growth. Gene is then swiped to be next to three yellows, which causes him to swell up and explode, and Jailbreak and High Five scream. Unfortunately, the credits don't start rolling, but in one of the many occurences of PUTRID editing, the scene suddenly switches to Jailbreak and High Five looking forwards as if someone just slapped the scenes together in movie maker. It was just a dream. They could have at the very least used, you know, CLOUDS, or something DREAMLIKE, rather than haphazardly combining the scenes together. Anyways, they match Gene with the yellows and he goes unconcious and wakes up in the candy jar. They then go on about how Dropbox is so secure, and Jailbreak says something that made my blood BOIL. She says this - "Women are always thinking of stuff that men take credit for." Yeah, I'm NOT FUCKING AROUND. THEY PUT THE USELESS THIRD WAVE FEMINISM MOVEMENT INTO THIS ADVERTISEMENT. You may think I'm pissed off, and yeah, I'm PISSED OFF. YOU DON'T DO THAT IN A KID'S MOVIE. OR ANY MOVIE. EVER. Anyways, after that anal rape, the movie has the characters go into Just Dance. You know, the arcade game, that happens to be on a CELL PHONE IN THIS MOVIE. What, are you going to stomp on your cellphone to play it? NO, THAT'S RETARDED AS IN YOU DON'T DO THAT! Anyways, they ruin a good song from the mid 1980s, "Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)" by Wham, and attempt to dance so they don't fall into "digital death." They then use a shitty song, "Feel this Moment," with a desperate, a FUCKING DESPERATE ATTEMPT AT FORCING A MEME - a dance called the "emoji pop." I cringed so badly my head was in my hands. Yeah, that's how bad it is. It's here where Jailbreak is revealed to be the Princess emoji, who was desparately trying to escape stereotypes and... DAMMIT, IT'S THIS FEMINISM CRAP AGAIN! WHY?! JUST WHY?! WHY DID THEY PUT THIS IN THE- Alex's phone humilates him in front of the class, which is a ripoff of the Inside Out scene where everyone looks at Riley and she humiliated herself by crying at school. The micromanager knockoffs storm the application, and it gets deleted by Alex, which High Five almost escapes, but a micromanager ripoff grabs him and drags him into the recycle bin, where he is slowly going to die. Again, it's a ripoff of Inside Out, the Memory Dump to be exact, an emotional and powerful scene where Bing Bong heroically sacrifices himself to get Joy back to Headquarters, her home where the emotions live. The only difference is that in the Emoji Movie, it does NOT WORK, and is not moving IN THE SLIGHTEST. I am still pissed at how they have the BALLS to rip off the outstanding, original movies such as Inside Out, the Lego Movie, and Wreck it Ralph. This gives Gene and Jailbreak time to go into fucking SPOTIFY. You know, that TERRIBLE streaming service for music. Speaking of streaming, the songs are LITERAL streams. Now I have to give them something - that would have been a helf-decent sight gag if they didn't FUCK IT UP SO MUCH. They use the WHIP NAE NAE SONG. By that retard no one remembers. From two years ago. TWO. YEARS. AGO. I also didn't mention, but Gene's parents who go looking for him go into YouTube, which is, get ready for this, PPAP and a CAT VIDEO. Yeah, BECAUSE THOSE MEMES AREN'T FUCKING DEAD YET. Anyways, back in Spotify, they ride a RIHANNA song. This moment is where I was growing more suicidal by the second. (That was just a joke, unwad your panties...) They almost have a romantic moment, yes, ROMANCE BETWEEN EMOJIS. However, Jailbreak decides they go rescue High Five. Why couldn't they just let him die... So Gene "heroically" rescues him from the dump- er, i mean, recycle bin. However, TROLLS, yes, TROLLS AGAIN, try to stop him. However, of course, he escapes and they run for Dropbox. A Chinese micromanager ripoff upgraded by Smiler then almost kills them, until Dropbox blocks it from entering. In there, they come across the firewall, which needs a certain emoji for some fucking stupid reason. They get by using Alex's crush's name, but not after that stupid song "Fireball" plays, because..... it rhymes with "firewall?" I don't know, it's fucking retarded. They end up in the cloud, which is a futuristic utopia. This is unrealistic, the internet is a MESS, kind of like this movie... Heheheheheheh...... I hate myself..... Anyways, Gene confesses his love for Jailbreak, but she turns him down because she's a strong and independent woman who don't need no man, no, I'm not joking. (credit) She begins the process of reprogramming Gene, and he becomes a proper emoji. He is then kidnapped to the texting app again, and Jailbreak unwillingly becomes the princess again and whistles. After this, no joke, TWITTER shows up. Well I want to commit suicide now. Gene is captured and brought in front of Smiler, in a ripoff scene of the Lego Movie where Morgan Freeman's character gets killed. However, of course, Jailbreak and High Five break in and beat Smiler, which she doesn't die. (Of course. OF COURSE.) They are then all about to die because Alex set up an appointment with what is basically an Apple store, which is unrealistic because Apple does not CARE about if your phone is broken and would just say to buy a brand new one. Gene being the "unique" and "different" one, which is of course a hipster message (the icing on the shit sundae), He sends a GIF emoji, which somehow convinces Alex to stop the reset. He forwards it to the girl he likes, and she comes up and says this - no joke - "I like that you're one of those guys who's able to express his feelings." Yes, for real. Except that he was NOT EXPRESSING FEELINGS WITH EMOJIS! EMOJIS ARE NOT A TANGIBLE WAY TO EXPRESS FEELINGS, BECAUSE THEY'RE PICTURES! WITH NO MEANING OR POINT WHATSOEVER! Just like this shitty ass advertisement. The advertisement ends with that AWFUL emoji pop dance, which made me lose any will to live I previously had, since I realized I had just wasted 86 minutes of my life watching this BULLSHIT. I could have used that time to play a video game. Or watch a better movie. Hell, I could have even jerked off and that would've been a more productive use of my time. The final point - TJ Miller himself says this fuckfest contains "anti-Trump messages." Enough said. Final Opinion The movi- er, advertisement, is LESS than shit. Saying that would be a compliment. No, it's FILTH. FILTH THAT NO ONE SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO EXCEPT TERRORISTS, AS A PUNISHMENT. Unfortunately, it ended up being a box office success. Not to give myself too much credit, but this whole thing was EXACTLY as I predicted, meaning the end of the world is upon us. Get ready, as there's no going back. Especially since Sony, the company responsible for this bullshit, is allegedly considering making a Meme Movie, yes, a MEME MOVIE, in 2020. "Now that doesn't sound so bad," you may say, but apparently (and predictably), they're going to use RAGE COMIC memes, because, you know, those aren't fucking dead yet. There's also a planned Tetris movie trilogy. Yes, seriously. Still, those would definitely be better than this utter trash. I don't usually like number ratings, but for this absolute garbage, I think I'm going to go against that. This advertisement gets a 0/10 from me, and even THAT is generous. I feel it deserves a -100/100, but unfortunately that's not how movie reviews work. The only thing I can hope for years to come is that Sony, or anyone else, for that matter, ''NEVER ''tries another stunt like this again. I feel like smashing my phone on the wall, and sleeping for a week straight, because that's better than watching this FILTH. Rest in PISS Emoji Advertisement, and good fucking riddance. I'm done. Conclusion Wow, that was something! Don't forget to check out my other blog posts to see my opinions on a bunch of other stuff, mostly video games. See you later, my Shreks. Category:Blog posts